If you’re like me or any other typical melaninneal ( that’s melenated+millennial I coined it! its mine) Youtube Red is nothing more than an annoying sales pitch that pops up every time you try to watch your fave wig and make up tutorials. Another horse in what’s now a crowded race of sites providing original content. However, Youtube Red’s content seems to be the most useless and least desirable of them all. The Theon Greyjoy of original content if you will. Most of the original series look like high budget Christian youth ministry programming . Even the free trial they offer is insultingly costly. What reason could you possibly have to ever sign up for it?
Enter: Nick Cannon’s directorial debut - King Of The Dancehall. Written, produced by, and starring....Nick Cannon. In the film Cannon plays the lead character named ..”Tarzan”. Tarzan is a Brooklynite who travels to Jamaica after being released from jail for armed robbery, he plans to ‘flip’ 5k real quick with the help of his very Jamaican cousin Allestar ‘All Star Toasta’ (Busta Rhymes). Tarzan falls for a local girl who introduces him to the world of Jamaican dancehall. But his mama is sick (Whoopi Goldberg) and he somehow ends up with a dancehall crew and enters a contest to win prize money that can change his life. Louis Gossett Jr., Kreesha Turner, Ky-Mani Marley (dude from Shottas), and newcomer Kimberly Patterson also star. There’s also random spurts of narration from Beenie Man, and you’ll-miss-it-if-you-blink cameos from Barrington Levy, and other dancehall artists.
Luckily VSB’s own Shamira Ibrahim was just as excited about watching the movie as I was, and joined me on Gchat for some after thoughts and reviews of this cinematic jewel. *SPOILERS BELOW*
SI: Nick Cannon in “stomp the yardie” I cant believe this movie even happened.
DB: I honestly was gonna say that, but you beat me to it.
SI: Mariah gave him too much money in the divorce.
DB: First of all I’d like to say this concept was stolen from Omarion! He did it first in his seminal film Feel The Noise! Where he found salvation in Puerto Rico and the rhythms of Reggaeton!
SI: I have to say I appreciate Busta embracing his final form as an extra ass Jamaican uncle . It’s like his last Pokemon level.
DB: Nick Cannon is like 40 yrs old
SI: How old was Nick supposed to be??? And did he have timbs on the beach???
DB: We have no idea how old he was supposed to be, but that nigga was a carefree felon. How was he affording a ticket and passport to go to Jamaica? And again..wasn’t he a felon?
SI: Nick’s attempted Jamaican accent....
DB: Nick Cannon don’t even got a BK accent, that’s why he had on Timbs.
SI: If that’s supposed to be his aunt and Whoopi is supposed to be her sister then why does Whoopi not have an accent???
DB: Nick Cannon said she’s the best part of the movie, Whoopi has 7-9 lines.
SI: Half of them were asking for money. Do we know what Whoopi’s condition actually is??
DB:Whoopie had whatever disease Monica Calhoun got in every movie. Tired Black Woman Diasease.
SI: Whoopi Goldberg filmed her scenes during commercial breaks of the View.
DB: Why was Collie Buddz there? Collie Buddz is alive?
SI: Collie Buddz is a white Bermudian. Bermudian accents aren’t even close to Jamaican accents. Bermudians sound like West Indians that moved to Baltimore at age 8.
DB: So was Lou Gossett Jr. supposed to be Ghanian??
SI: Yeah a Ghanaian Jamaican or something??? It was perplexing
DB: The girl playing Maya is gorgeous tho, her skin is amazing, I hope she gets an opp from this.
SI: She’s the best actress. She had to pretend to not find Nick corny for 90 minutes.
DB: Nick Cannon’s body tho...Don’t forget he does have a 3rd leg.
SI: I’ve always wondered how he managed to stay amicable with every ex ever. No nigga is THAT funny.
SI: Nick looked so awkward catching the beat pls help, How many hours do you think he had with a choreographer to master these tepid ass moves?
DB: Nick Cannon’s dance scenes, I almost DIED. The American exceptionalism in Nick Cannon making himsef the savant of dancehall that bested Jamaican born dancers with a mere 6 mths of practice. Its amazing. You can tell he really transformed for this role, he had on mesh tank tops.
SI: He never even got real lessons . He trained himself in a back road in Kingston for six months.
DB: AND BECAME KING OF THE DANCE HALL.
SI:I’m personally offended that he keeps pretending to be from New York in theses movies.He did the same in Drumline! New York has enough problems with its men leave us alone Nick!
DB: That sex scenes were about as erotic as Taylor Swift choreo and Nick Cannon ain’t never smoked weed in his life. Nigga puffed that blunt like it was a candy cigarette.
SI: We gotta discuss the Major Lazer animations though. The random pop comics. Why?!
DB: Its like he got that pop comic effect as part of a Fat Kids Deal Intro To Film package and lost his mind. This movie looks like it was filmed the day after watchin Bey’s ‘Baby Boy’ video in 03'.
SI: Oooh! Speaking of Bey , that sex scene looks like an outtake from the beautiful liar video we all like to pretend never happened.
DB:Who is ‘we’?? I love that video
DB: THERE WERE LOOKS
SI :Well you dont like plantain so you were bound to have other flaws I guess
DB: WOW. ANYWAY. This really could have just been a documentary about dancehall.
SI: DANIE WHY DID WE WATCH THIS??
DB: IT WAS AMAZING
DB: Final take on this Buhlack Cinematic masterpiece?
SI: My final take is we need a prequel with Bishop Louis Gossett Jr’s pilgrimage to Jamaica from Ghana . He can run the streets with Barrington Levy before finding God. I see it now. My favorite parts were the dance scenes. It’s like he looked up every trick for dance videos on YouTube to make basic 4 counts more dramatic. When in doubt, shake the camera!!!!
DB: This movie is absolutely worth the free trial. I never knew my life was missing a film where Collie Buddz shoots Nick Cannon and then ends in Beenie Man accrediting him with starting a dancehall revolution.
And there you have it folks. If you’re still not convinced you need to see this movie? Here’s a gif of Nick Cannon’s solo dance scene. You’re welcome.